Writing is about emotion. It’s about creating something substantial from the whirling eddy of hopes, fears and dreams rattling about an author’s skull at any given time. We are creatures of extremes, all of us, and the writer’s role is to connect, to bridge the gap, to let others know that they are not alone […]Read Us & Weep
This is today’s choice.
I love him very much. I don’t doubt his love for me. I know he loves me to the core. I also know he has a problem that is bigger than we can fix without help. I’m tired of the lies… I’m tired of him not being here, even though he is here. I miss him. My daughter miscarried yesterday. She didn’t know she was pregnant but still. It was hard on her. We needed him. After 5 days he got fucked up… On a day we needed him the most.
if you like my quote show some love and share the post , and here some more …. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. Evelyn Waugh rriving late was a way of saying that your own time was more valuable than the time of the person who waited for you. Karen Joy Fowler […]2020 – Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody
Ever have one of those days where it just seems like everything is gonna go wrong and you just… can’t… go… on? Your mind starts turning the moment you wake up because well, your mind does that? (To all those people that can “turn off” their minds… ugh…)
Today was that day. Well I guess this week has been this week… Just when I begin to think it’s going to be ok, my life says “hold my beer!”
I had to be sat down by a dear friend of mine that is going through a very tough time herself… and told, “look…. your circumstances do not define you… What is going on today, may be gone tomorrow. The worries that you are carrying around today will be out of date tomorrow. Why waste so much energy, time and tears on something that hasn’t even happened yet?” (You know, because I worry about yesterday, today, and tomorrow all at the same time.)
“Slow down. Enjoy what is in front of your face. Tackle one thing at a time and don’t mess with the next thing (physically or mentally) until the 1st is taken care of. And believe me when I say, if it really needs tending, it will still be there. Some things, you will learn, will have taken care of themselves by the time you get to it.”
So for the rest of the day, I’m going to only tackle what I can. And enjoy what God has given me. It took a woman waiting on a liver to put me in my place. May we always remember when we think life is too much, to look around.
I recently heard about the documentary SKIDS from Hanna of The Bullsh*t Positivity Project. It focuses on kids attending Vanguard Secondary in Langley, B.C., Canada, which is not far from where I live. Vanguard Secondary is an alternative school that takes a trauma-informed approach, recognizing that trauma is at the root of the significant challenges […]SKIDS: Traumatized Kids and the School System
I have PTSD. Thank you 2 ex-husbands and a couple award winning boyfriends. For years i covered it all up by self medicating. I coped. I hated the way I felt sober..but then I’d get drunk and would abuse everyone else verbally emotionally. Today, my 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with moderate depression, severe anxiety, a little odd…. All part of PTSD. I’ve done this to her. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Even though I am in recovery and have a little time, I still can feel the guilt of doing to my own child emotionally what was done to me. And then I sit here and look at the bigger picture… I’ve done this to all my children in some way shape or form. I’ve been toxic to them all in some way shape or form for the last 28 years. Those are stories for another day but damn… Why can’t I just stay sober? Why is it, the one thing that controls my mind and that I constantly crave, is something that has caused so much toxicity for my children?
This was originally posted in 2018 in the early months of this blog. I’ve decided to pull a few posts out of the archives where they were gathering dust, give them an overhaul, and bring them back to life. It’s a bit of an experiment, and here’s the first one. “Happiness is a choice.” It’s […]Happiness Is a Choice, My Ass
You may see me
The sparkle in my eyes;
But don’t misunderstand
Even sparkles carry lies.
You may see me
Smiling in the sun;
But don’t forget
The many times I was done.
You see the making-it me
Hands lifted to the sky;
You don’t get
The cravings that I hear cry.
Beneath me, beside me,
all around my soul;
As I grasp at the strings of freedom
The bottle won’t let me go!
Every day is a blessing
Wouldn’t you say?
Do you understand how blessed I feel?
That I didn’t drink today?
The bottle didn’t snare me
I didn’t touch cocaine!
I lay my head down proud
Oh, but it drives me insane!
To just have one more
That’s all my brain cries out!
But one turns to many
My serenity shouts!
I climb up the strings of Freedom
My eyes fixed high above;
I do not dare look down
For I’ll lose all that I love!
The bottles, oh how they urge me
The powder promises to fulfill;
It takes all I have to remember
None of it is real.
So, the next time you see me
And the sparkle in my eyes;
Know that the sparkle represents
Way more than you may realize!
For when I’m smiling in the sun
Hands lifted to the sky;
Understand that I just conquered
The urge to get drunk or high!
I’m laying here winding down and thinking of the day. It was a struggle. Here lately every day has been a struggle. I’m trying to remember what it is I’m fighting for. Using all the tools and words of wisdom… And threats… That could keep me from drinking and using… But still I wondered if I could get away with it. I didn’t try, but it seems more and more I have these thoughts. Even tho I’m happy overall… Just married, kids are good, I still have a job despite the Covid… But that still small voice, the devil voice, still keeps whispering for more.
But.. by the Grace of a God stronger than the devil voice, I’m laying here completely sober and made it thru the last 24 hours!
I hope it gets easier someday…. Goodnight..
A couple of days ago I made a video for World Suicide Prevention Day and today I wanna talk specifically about bipolar disorder. I also did a video for Bell Let’s Talk a few months ago where I talk about my experience with mental health. This is clearly a topic that I’m passionate about lol […]What it’s Like Living with Bipolar Disorder